IMPACT TV report 01/31/2013

Impact begins, as always, with a recap of the evil deeds perpetrated by Aces and Eights in recent weeks. The first two people to the ring are Kazarian and Daniels.  The show is being held in Manchester England.

Kaz and Daniels are wearing kilts and sporting blue face paint in homage to the United Kingdom’s TRUE warriors, the Scots. Daniels claims that the only reason he lost to Jeff Hardy last week is because Hardy’s face paint is toxic and he went into shock.

Daniels give the fans permission to worship him, but they are interrupted by Magnus before they get a chance. Magnus say the real reason he lost last week is because Jeff Hardy beat Daniels like he owed him money. Magnus appears to be looking for a fight with Kaz and Daniels, and they attack him and beat him down.

Magnus turns things around and backdrops Daniels to the floor and then clotheslines Kaz to the floor as his English fans cheer him on. Magnus then says he wants to challenge Devon as part of Open Fight night tonight.


Match #1:  Magnus versus Devon.

Magnus starts the match off with a series of forearms and clotheslines before throwing Devon over the top out to the floor. Magnus beats Devon some more outside the ring before rolling him back in. As Magnus enters the ring, Devon pulls the rope up into his groin.

Devon pounds on Magnus and takes him down with a clothesline. Magnus responds with a punch but Devon rakes the eyes of Magnus. Devon hits Magnus with a legdrop, but Magnus quickly gets back to his feet and lands a punch.  Devon responds with a flying shoulder block and a snapmare.

Magnus lands a couple more punches but Devon responds with another clothesline and a bodyslam. Magnus fights back with a clothesline and Michinoku driver.  Aces and Eights run in to save Devon, but Magnus promptly throws them out of the ring. Magnus wins by DQ.


When we return, Joseph Park is in the ring and he’s decided who his first opponent as a member of the TNA roster for Open Fight Night is going to be.

Before Joseph can tell us, he’s interrupted by Robbie E and Robbie T. Robbie E says Joseph isn’t even a wrestler, he’s a hamster, just like everyone else in England.  Robbie T, who is from England, looks mad.

Robbie E appears to have just remembered that Robbie T is from England and tries to recover by reminding bigger Rob that he lives in the US now so he’s practically American.

Robbie E grabs Joseph Park’s notebook (filled with copious notes on his potential opponents) and wipes his ass with it, sniffs it, and throws it at Joseph. No comment from Robbie what the notebook smelled like when he sniffed it.  I’m guessing it smelled like shit.

Joseph had been trying to tell them that he picked someone else, but he looks mad now and agrees to fight Robbie.

Match #2:  Robbie E versus Joseph Park.

Robbie starts things off with a kick and a running cross body. Robbie just bounces off the much larger Park. Robbie E starts using his speed advantage and takes over the match, landing several strikes and a clothesline.

Robbie also comes off the second rope a couple times, hitting Park with a clothesline and then a punch. Joseph knocks Robbie down several times and then hits him with a belly to belly suplex and follows up with a second rope splash for the win.


When we return, Austin Aries and Bobby Roode are standing in the ring bragging about being the two best stars in Impact wrestling. They claim to be on the same page now, and plan on taking ALL the titles in TNA, including the Knockouts title.

I’m not sure which one of them gets to be women’s champ. They tell us that they’re going to start with the easiest titles to win, the tag titles.

Aries and Roode are calling the English fans “wankers” when current tag champs Chavo and Hernandez come out to confront them. Chavo asks is Roode and Aries are even a tag team and then challenges either of them to a singles match.  Aries agrees, provided they get a title shot if Aries wins.

Match #3:  Austin Aries versus Chavo Guerrero.

Chavo starts off fast and  lands a series of punches. Aries responds by snapping Chavos neck on the rope and then stepping out to the edge of the apron. Aries slingshots himself in onto Chavo, but Chavo gets his knees up in time to block the senton. Chavo steps outside the ropes, hits Aries with a slingshot senton, and then stomps on him.


During the break, Aries hits Chavo with a suicide dive.  When we get back to the live action, Aries retreats to the floor.  Chavo slingshots himself out to the floor onto Aries. The two men re enter the ring and Aries lands a series of strikes and an elbow drop.

Aries puts Chavo in a headlock, but Chavo fights his way out. Aries takes Chavo down with a backdrop and then climbs to the top. Aries goes for a frog splash but Chavo gets out of the way. Chavo and Aries exchange strikes and Chavo knocks Aries down with a drop kick.

Chavo lands several punches and then hits Aries with “Three Amigos” (3 consecutive vertical suplexes) and climbs to the top. Chavo hits the frog splash and goes for the pin, but Roode distracts the ref. Aries hits Chavo with a dropkick and a brainbuster for the win.  After the match, Aries and Roode argue over who deserves credit for the win.


When we return, Angle, Samoa Joe, Garrett Bischoff and Wes Briscoe are talking in the locker room. Angle is getting ready for his big match with Mr. Anderson in a steel cage later tonight.

Bischoff and Briscoe offer to watch Angle’s back, when Joe starts yelling at them.  Joe doesn’t think they need Bischoff and Briscoe and he seems to resent them being around. Joe walks off angrily. Angle tells Wes and Garrett that that was just Joe being Joe.


When we return, Bully Ray and his new wife, Brooke Hogan walk to the ring. Bully says that falling in love with Brooke got him suspended by Hulk, but now they have a common enemy: Aces and Eights.

Bully says the only man that can convince Hulk to life the suspension is Sting, and he calls Sting out. Sting comes out and says he can’t make Hogan come out, but the fans can.

The fans chant Hogan and he comes out. Hogan says he’s come to see Bully Ray as family, especially after the way he fought for his daughter last week. Hogan lifts the suspension and also offers his new son in law a present: a tag team tables match with Sting against Devon and Doc from Aces and Eights next week.

Bully looks happy, and shakes Hogan’s hand.


When we return, Daisy Carter announces that TNA will be taking Impact on the road, starting with Chicago.

Velvet Sky walks to the ring and says she has something to get off her chest.  Apparently she means that figuratively; at first I thought she was getting rid of her implants.

Velvet wants to call out Tara and Jesse for Open Fight Night.  They come out thinking this will be a handicap match, but Velvet informs them she has found a partner: James Storm.

Match #4: Velvet Sky and James Storm versus Tara and Jesse.

Jesse and Storm start the match off. Jesse pushes Storm to the corner, but then Storm takes over and lands several punches, a shoulder block, a hip toss and snake eyes in the corner.

Tara distracts Storm long enough for Jesse to land a few strikes and follow up with a key lock. Jesse lands a knee lift and an elbow drop, but Storm responds with Closing Time and tags in Velvet.

Velvet hits Tara with a pair of clotheslines, a hurricanrana, and a side Russian leg sweep. Jesse runs in but Storm hits him with closing time. Tara confronts Storm, but Velvet hits her with a double underhook face plant for the win.


When we return, Hogan is talking about the tag match next week featuring his son in law. He made the match a table match as a present to Bully Ray. Elsewhere in the back, Ken Anderson is talking about his cage match tonight with Angle and promises Angle isn’t leaving the building the same way he entered.

Angle and Anderson had a legendary steel cage match a couple years ago that was one of the best TNA matches I’ve ever seen. Back in the locker room Kurt Angle is checking on his friend Samoa Joe: Joe has been attacked and is still unconscious. Wes Briscoe promises to go to the ring with Angle instead.

Match #5:  Kurt Angle versus Ken Anderson in a steel cage.

Anderson slams Kurt into the corner and lands several punches. Anderson goes for a suplex but Angle blocks it. The two men exchange strikes with Angle getting the better of the exchange.

Angle hits Anderson with a missile dropkick and follows up with a pair of clotheslines. Anderson lands a kick, Angle responds with a German Suplex.  Anderson retaliates with a fireman’s carry roll through. Anderson slams Kurt into the cage and then steps on his hand.

Angle gets to his feet, slams Anderson into the cage, and then hits him with an Angle Slam for a 2 count.


When we return, Anderson takes Angle down with a clothesline and then starts to climb the cage. Angle climbs up after him and they exchange punches while balancing on the top rope and clutching the cage. Anderson falls to the mat, but Angle falls balls first on the top rope.  Anderson goes for a cover but gets only 2.

Anderson hits Angle with a series of knee strikes and punches and  then starts climbing up the cage again. Angle again cuts Anderson off and then hits him with an Angle slam from the top rope! Both men hit hard, but Angle rolls over Anderson for a pin attempt and gets 2.

Anderson hits Angle with a low blow and then the Mic Check for a 2 count.  Anderson starts climbing the cage again, and Angle cuts him off with a powerbomb from the top!

Angle goes for a cover and gets 2, then quickly transitions into the ankle lock and Anderson taps. Angle wins by submission!

After the match, a lone masked member of Aces and Eights climbs into the ring. Wes Briscoe comes in to help Angle and Angle orders him to lock the door so no more Aces and Eights come in, although there don’t appear to be any others.

Angle confronts the masked man, who reveals himself to be…Garrett Bischoff. Angle and Wes both look shocked and Angle asks Briscoe if he knew anything about it, but Wes says no.

Angle charges Bischoff, but Briscoe chops Angle’s knee out from behind. Briscoe takes off his jacket to reveal an Aces and Eights vest. Briscoe and Bischoff beat Angle down as Impact goes off the air.


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