IMPACT TV report 01/03/2013

Impact begin with a recap of recent events, including the news that Sting will be returning tonight to get revenge on Aces and Eights. Jeremy Borash is the first person in the ring as Impact begins.

Borash tells us that he has the 5 finalists, and winner, of the TNA wrestler of the year award.  The nominees are Bully Ray, James Storm, Austin Aries, Bobby Roode, and Jeff Hardy. Roode and Aries are each convinced it will be them, and argue back and forth as they make their way to the ring.  Jeff Hardy is announced as the winner; Aries and Roode are both outraged. Roode claims that as the longest reigning heavyweight champ ever in TNA, he should have won.

Aries argues that as the longest reigning X division champ and the man that beat Roode for the heavyweight title, he should have won. Hardy proclaims that 2012 was the year of the enigma and challenges both of them to a title match at Genesis. Aries swings Hardy’s trophy at him, but Hardy ducks and Aries hits Roode instead. Hardy hits Aries with the Twist of Fate and stands triumphantly over both of them.

In the back, James Storm is approached for an interview when they are interrupted by Kaz and Daniels. Daniels does a Storm impersonation and tells Storm’s fans he’s sorry he loses so much lately and that he’s “sorry about my damn luck.” Storm says he’ll fight either one of them right now and walks to the ring.


Match #1:  James Storm versus Kaz.

Daniels gets into the ring to fight Storm, but Kaz runs in and hits Storm from behind. Daniels leaves after the distraction and Kaz goes to work on Storm. Storm and Kaz trade strikes and Kaz throws Storm over the top rope.

Storm holds onto the top rope and pulls himself back in. Storm downs Kaz with a Thesz press and throws him out of the ring. Storm leaps out of the ring onto Kaz on the floor. Daniels and Kaz take turns distracting the ref so the other can land some cheap shots on Storm.

Kaz puts Storm in a chin lock; Storm fights out but Kaz knocks him down again. Kaz hits Storm with a leg drop and then slaps him. Storm hits kaz with closing time and follows up with several punches. Storm hits Kaz with a side Russian leg sweep and then a flying elbow drop from the top rope.

Storm goes for a cover and gets 2. Kaz hits Storm with a fireman’s carry cutter and gets a 2 count. Storm hits Kaz with closing time again and sets up for the last call superkick. Daniels tries to distract Storm but Storm hits him with an Enzuigiri. Kaz climbs to the top rope and leaps off, but Storm hits him with the superkick before he lands and then covers him for the win.

In the Aces and Eights clubhouse, Devon and Doc are still trying to recruit Ken Anderson.  They’re giving him beer and biker girls and he’s loving it, but is in no hurry to make up his mind. Doc runs out of patience and tells Anderson they need to know now. Anderson seems to be in.


When we return, Kenny Kash approaches Kid Kash to wish him luck tonight in his X division tournament match. Kash claims to have seen Kash many years ago on VHS tapes. I think he’s implying Kash is old. I have to rewind my VHS tape to make sure that’s what he said. I should also probably turn up my hearing aid because I’m even older than Kid Kash.

Doc is in the ring calling out Sting, the man he assaulted with a hammer weeks ago.  A bat falls out of the sky and lands in the ring near Doc.


Match #2:  Kid Kash versus Christian York.

X Division tournament match. Kash attacks York right away, landing several strikes. York responds with an elbow and a clothesline that knocks Kash to the floor. Kash pulls York out to the floor and chops him. Kash rolls back in and then flies back out, hitting York with a hurricanrana.

Kash rakes York’s back and then rolls him back in. Kash slingshots himself back into the ring but York hits him with a dropkick in mid air. York hits Kash with an Enzuigiri and then climbs to the top.  York comes off the top rope and misses but then hits Kash with a boot to the face.

York hits Kash with a half nelson suplex and Kash responds with a suplex of his own. Kash hits York with a few crossface shots and then goes for a moonsault but York gets his knees up. York lands a couple kicks and then Kash responds with a chinbreaker. York hits Kash with a modified flatliner and tries to roll him up with an inside cradle. Kash lands a kick and goes for a backslide, but York counters with “Mood Swings” (a swinging neckbreaker) for the win!

Match #3:  Matt Morgan versus Hernandez with Chavo.

Morgan comes out with Joey Ryan wearing a sling. Morgan claims he hurt himself training, but Joey Ryan will kick his ass instead. Joey seems a little upset about this at first. Not much of a match, Hernandez hits Ryan a kick, a bodyslam, and a backbreaker before Matt Morgan interferes.

Morgan has discarded his sling and now seems fine.  Hernandez shoulder blocks Ryan across the ring, but is then clotheslined out of the ring by Morgan. Chavo goes after Ryan, but Morgan takes Chavo out with the Carbon Footprint.


When we return, Hulk Hogan calls out Bully Ray and his daughter Brooke. Hogan is mad that Brooke and Bully have been sneaKash around behind his back instead of coming to him directly. Bully Ray acknowledges he was wrong and seems apologetic.

Hogan suspends him indefinitely without pay and tells Brooke to leave as well. Ray is shocked that he just got suspended and wants to know why. TNA sucks at this sort of thing; they have great wrestlers, they do NOT have great writers. They should focus on what they do well, fighting, and stop doing what they suck at, which is talKash.


Joseph Park is apparently doing well learning how to wrestle at OVW.

Match #4: Gail Kim and Tara versus Miss Tessmacher and Mickie James.

Gail and Tessmacher start the match off. Gail whips Tessmacher to the ropes and Tessmacher leaps back to knock Gail down with a clothesline. Tara hits Tessmacher with a cheap shot and then Gail tags Tara in. Tara hits Tessmacher with a kick and a chop.

Tessmacher takes Tara down with a snapmare and tags in Mickie. Mickie dropkicks Tara and then dropkicks Gail as well, knocKash them both to the floor. Mickie and Tessmacher pursue Tara and Gail outside the ring and knock them into each other. After order is restored,  Tara and Gail double team Mickie.


Gail and Tara double team Mickie, but Mickie ducks an attack from Tara and then clotheslines Gail. Mickie tags in Tessmacher, and Tessmacher clotheslines Tara. Tessmacher whips Tara into the corner and the violently rams her vagina into Tara’s face.

I feel weird writing that every week, but Divas and Knockouts use their vaginas, asses, and boobs as weapons every week. I know this is to turn on the young straight men that watch wrestling in large numbers, but it really should scare them. If you watch TNA every week, you must conclude that a woman’s naughty bits are DEADLY!

Gail hits Tessmacher with a cheap shot, and Tara mounts her. Tara blatantly chokes Tessmacher on the mat and then throws her by her hair across the ring. Tara hits Tessmacher with a backbreaker and then tags in Gail. Gail hits Tessmacher with several kicks, a gut buster, and a forearm shot.

Gail slams Tessmacher’s face to the mat and then tags Tara in. Tara hits Tessmacher with a leg drop then pulls her arms back in a bow and arrow. Tara slams Tessmacher to the mat and then goes for a standing moonsault.

Tessmacher gets her knees up in time to block the moonsault and then slams Tara to the mat.  Tara and Tessmacher make tags at the same time. Mickie pounds on Gail and then hits her with a hurricanrana and then a neckbreaker. Mickie goes for a cover and Tara makes the save. Tessmacher comes in to attack Tara and Jesse pulls his girlfriend to safety.

Tessmacher goes to the top rope and hits Tara and Jesse with a flying crossbody on the floor.  Gail goes after Mickie but Mickie sidesteps the attack and plants Gail with a DDT for the win.


When we return, ODB tells us that her hubby Eric Young is not ready to come back yet, but he will be soon. In Hogan’s office, Roode and Aries are arguing with Hogan about the triple threat match they have with Hardy at Genesis.

Hogan doesn’t want to listen to them and makes the match a 3 way elimination match.  He also tells them they will be teaming up next week against Hardy and a partner of his choosing.


Match #5:  Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe versus Devon and a large masked man from Aces and Eights.

Doc hits Kurt Angle in the back with the steel door before the match begins and locks Angle out of the cage, giving Devon and the masked man a 2 on 1 advantage. Joe puts a beating on both members of Aces and Eights the first few minutes, landing several strikes on each of them. Joe drops the masked man in the corner and gives him a facewash with his boot.

Joe prepares to give the masked man a running boot to the face but is cut off by a flying forearm from Devon. Devon and the masked man take turns holding Joe so the other can beat him, but Joe eventually gets the upper hand again until Devon rakes his eyes.

The masked man hits Joe with a big boot and Joe responds with an open palm strike to the face.  Angle tries to climb into the cage, but is cut off by Doc. Devon and the masked man continue to double team Joe inside the cage.


Joe hits both opponents with strikes, and then comes off the top rope to knock Devon down. Joe hits the masked man with a t-bone suplex. Outside the ring Kurt Angle tries to get into the cage but is again cut off by Doc.  Angle kicks Doc in the nuts and then unlocks the door.

Angle hits Devon with a pair of clotheslines and then a forearm. Angle hits the masked man with an elbow and then a missile dropkick. Angle tries to pull off the masked mans mask, but is hit by Doc with another cheap shot. Devon and the masked man double team Joe. Devon whips the masked man into Joe, and then runs over Kurt.

The masked man hits Kurt with a side slam as Devon climbs to the top rope. Devon tries to hit Angle with a flying headbutt but Angle rolls out of the way. Joe hits the masked man with a kick.  Angle hits Devon with three consecutive German Suplexes and then hits the masked man with another one.

Joe and Angle slam the masked man to the cage and Joe hits him with an atomic drop. Angle hits the masked man with an Angle Slam for the win!!

After the match, Angle tries to pull of the masked man’s mask, but a massive number of Aces and Eights members run in to stop him. Aces and Eights put a beating on Angle and Joe inside the cage while Ken Anderson looks on from the outside.

Angle is starting to get very bloody when Sting comes to the rescue. Sting enters the cage with a baseball bat and starts swinging. Several members of Aces and Eights take big shots from Sting with the bat and the rest run away. Sting, Angle and Joe remain in the ring with 1 member of Aces and Eights; the masked man that teamed up with Devon.

They unmask the Aces and Eights members and we see that it’s Mike Knox. Angle, Joe, and Sting celebrate their victory in the cage as Impact goes off the air.

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