Impact begins with a recap of this past Sunday’s pay-per-view event, Turning Point. The first person to make his way to the ring after the video ends is James Storm. Storm is celebrating being named #1 contender after winning his match at Turning Point.
Storm’s celebration is cut short by his former partner and current rival, Bobby Roode. Roode walks to the ring with couple beers in hand and offers one to Storm. Roode claims he is here to congratulate Storm, but he is not being sincere.
Roode claims that Storm will fail like he always does, and then take his ball and go home – again. Roode sips his beer but Storm hits Roode and knocks him out of the ring. Storm says he wants to fight, but Roode says he’s been fighting Storm for a year and he’s done; unless Storm wants to put his title shot on the line.
Storm refuses, but Roode makes some insulting remarks about teaching Storm’s daughter what a real man is like, and Storm gives in. Bobby Roode and James Storm will face each other later tonight to determine who will be #1 contender.
In the back, Hogan is being interviewed and he claims to feel sorry for AJ Styles. AJ lost the #1 contender’s match Sunday night, and as a result he will not be allowed to compete for the title until Bound for Glory 2013.
Hogan claims AJ has been treading water the last couple years and is his own worst enemy. I thought the booking committee and the writers were AJ’s worst enemies.
When we return, we’re in the Aces and Eights clubhouse. The boss is asking Doc if he’s done enough to make up for allowing himself to be unmasked. Doc seems to think beating Sting half to death and bloodying Joseph Parks was a pretty good start.
The boss tells Doc there will be a vote, and in the meantime he has to hand over his Aces and Eights jacket. Devon throws a dart at the wall covered with TNA wresters. We don’t see who the dart hit, but whoever it is Devon claims “the prick deserves it.”
Match #1: X Division champ RVD versus Kid Kash.
Kash attacks RVD before the bell and beats him down. RVD tries to fight back and the two men jockey for position. Eventually RVD trips Kash up and takes him down. The two men exchange go-behinds. RVD lands a kick to the head. Kash puts RVD in a headlock; RVD whips Kash to the ropes.
Kash and RVD again trade positions; Kash gets RVD in a headscissors and takes him over the top rope out to the floor. Kash rolls RVD in and goes for a cover, getting a 2 count. Kash rakes Van Dam’s eyes and climbs to the second rope. Kash hits RVD with a clothesline and then misses a moonsault. RVD hits Kash with a back kick and then follows up with rolling thunder.
RVD goes for a cover and gets 2. The two men exchange punches and holds, with Kash eventually getting a choke hold on RVD. Van Dam escapes and lands a kick. Van Dam whips Kash to the corner and then sends him flying to the middle of the ring with a monkey flip. RVD goes to the top rope and hits Kash with the 5 star frog splash for the win.
Eric Young and ODB are in the back talking. Eric is talking about his fishing network show; apparently there are alligators, and a fish pissed all over Eric. ODB smiles and tells Eric she loves him. They make out passionately. They have awesome chemistry together.
When we return, Kurt Angle is talking to Garrett Bischoff. Garrett Bischoff’s doppelganger in the WWE is known as Brad Maddox. Wes and Brad, I mean Garrett, both want to tag later tonight against Aces and Eights, but Kurt has to pick one. He chooses Garrett, but promises Wes he has something planned for him.
Match #2: Jesse with Tara versus Eric Young with ODB.
Jesse moves a little too slow, but he manages a couple bodyslams and a lot of elbow strikes. He really likes elbow strikes. Jesse lands a punch and chokes Eric on the ring ropes. Eric fights back and hits Jesse with a punch and a shoulder block.
Jesse puts Eric in an abdominal stretch and drives his elbow into Eric’s ribs several times. Eric escapes with a hip toss. Jesse responds with a punch but Eric no-sells it. Eric looks like he might be Hulking up! Eric pulls his pants down and exposes his Red White and Blue US flag Speedos. I’m a little surprised he isn’t wearing Maple Leaf Speedos.
Eric lands a couple punches and a flying forearm. Tara enters the ring to create a distraction but ODB spears her out of the ring. Eric hits Jesse with a powerslam but then is distracted by ODB and Tara fighting on the outside. Eric gets knocked to the floor and Tara rolls him back in. Jesse hits Eric with a modified stunner for the win.
When we return, Joseph Parks is asking Hogan for another match with Aces and Eights. Hogan says no, he made a mistake of putting a lawyer in the ring and he won’t do it again. Hogan asks what would happen if he tried to walk into a court room and tried a case with no legal training. Parks thinks this is Hogan’s way of saying “go to wrestling school and then I’ll give you a match.” Hogan doesn’t think it’s going to work.
Match #3: Magnus versus Samoa Joe.
Before the match begins, Devon and Doc and several other Aces and Eights members attack Magnus. Devon takes out his knee with a bat and Doc hits both legs with a hammer. Devon looks ready to hit Magnus in the face with the bat when Bully Ray comes to the rescue wielding a chain.
Al Snow and Simon Diamond and other TNA officials also come out to help Magnus. It looks like Magnus was the one chosen by Devon’s dart throw. BTW – darts is an awesome game; you should find your local league and join a team. It’s free to play and tons of fun drunk or sober.
When we return, Austin Aries is entering the arena and he is asked how he feels. Aries was in a brutal ladder match with Jeff Hardy Sunday for the title, and he shows off his welts so we can SEE how he feels. Aries confronts Jeff Hardy in the locker room.
Hardy is also sore and getting a massage. Aries tells Hardy he wants to congratulate him for elevating his game Sunday. Aries also takes credit for forcing Hardy to elevate his game. Aries claims he will regain hit title. Hardy responds with his inner voice, which we somehow are able to hear. I hope no one can hear my inner voice, I’d probably be sent to jail.
Match #4: Kurt Angle and Garrett Bischoff versus Devon and large masked member of Aces and Eights.
Garrett and Angle attack before the bell. After the bell sounds, Angle and Devon start the match off. Angle lands a couple of clotheslines; Devon responds with an elbow. Kurt suplexes Devon, Devon lands a punch. Devon tags the masked man, and the masked man beats Angle down and then chokes him in the corner.
Angle lands a couple punches and kicks and then tags in Bischoff. Bischoff wrenches the masked man’s arm. Garrett hits the masked man with a flying shoulder block and a dropkick. Garrett tags in Angle and Angle works on the masked man’s arm. Devon hits Kurt with a cheap shot and then tags himself in.
Devon hits Kurt with a suplex, some punches, and a flying back elbow. Devon tags the masked man in, and the masked man hits Kurt with a big splash in the corner. The masked man stomps Kurt down in the corner and then puts him in a front chancery. Kurt fights his way out and lands a series of punches.
Kurt hits the masked man with a German suplex. Devon runs in to help but Kurt hits Devon with a German suplex as well. Kurt clotheslines Devon to the floor and is then attacked by the masked man. The masked man puts Kurt in a full nelson and Doc enters the ring with a hammer in his hand.
Wes Briscoe comes to the rescue wielding a pipe. Doc and the other Aces and Eights flunkies run away. Angle uses the distraction to hit the masked man with a back kick to the groin, forcing him to release the full nelson. The referee, who has missed a LOT even by pro wrestling referee standards, suddenly pays attention to the match again. Kurt rolls the masked man up for three, Angle and Bischoff win!
In the back, Jesse and Tara decide they need to speak with Brooke Hogan. They are standing outside her door and then just walk in.
Brooke and Bully Ray are sitting together, alone, on the couch. Tara wants to know why she wasn’t informed that there would be a Knockouts battle royal tonight. Brooke wants to know why Tara doesn’t knock. Tara wants to know why Brooke doesn’t lock her door.
Dixie Carter is being asked about AJ Styles. Dixie and AJ were both caught up in a very badly written storyline earlier this year, which the WWE is now stealing. The WWE is also improving on it, their version of this story sucks less, but it still sucks. Dixie says she’s never seen AJ like this, and he needs to move on.
Match #5: Knockouts Battle Royal to determine #1 contender.
Mickie James, Madison Rayne, Gail Kim, Miss Tessmacher, and ODB. For the first several minutes, Mickie and Madison fight each other, Gail and Tessmacher fight each other, and ODB sits in the corner watching.
Tessmacher climbs to the top rope and shoves Gail’s face into her vagina. I have no doubt that somewhere in the TNA offices there is an employee handbook that tells female wrestlers how often they must use either their ass, vagina, or boobs as weapons per show.
Tessmacher’s vagina is apparently not powerful enough, because Gail is still standing and Tessmacher was knocked off the top rope to the floor, eliminating her. ODB and Mickie simultaneously hit Gail and Madison with a Thesz press. ODB hits Gail with a fallaway slam and has a drink.
ODB climbs to the second rope and slams Madison Rayne’s face into her vagina. (Apparently the knockouts haven’t hit their quota yet.) Mickie James slams Gail into the corner after Madison falls to the mat and ODB slams Gail’s face into her vagina. That should be plenty of vaginal assaults for tonight. ODB screams that she is a classy bitch. I agree, I love her, she is my favorite knockout.
ODB spits alcohol into Madison’s face and Madison falls off the ring apron to the floor and is eliminated. Gail tosses ODB out and ODB is now eliminated. Gail and Mickie are the last two left. Gail lands a punch, a kick, and a clothesline.
Gail slams Mickie to the corner and then steps on her neck. Gail hits Mickie with a couple forearms and Mickie responds with a pinch and a kick. Mickie gets Gail in a headscissors and takes her over the top rope. Gail holds onto the rope and doesn’t hit the floor. Mickie knocks Gail off the ring apron with a back heel kick; Gail is eliminated and Mickie is now the #1 contender.
When we return, AJ Styles makes his way to the ring to talk about his loss at Turning Point. AJ is obviously upset because now he will not get another title shot until Bound for Glory 2013. AJ is so upset that this holiday season, he has nothing to be thankful for.
Daniels and Kaz come out to mock AJ, but AJ reminds Daniels that he has a lot more wins over Daniels than vice versa. Kaz says that doesn’t matter because AJ is stale, but Kaz and Daniels are the REAL tag team champions. AJ wants one more match with Daniels, but Kaz says Daniels has nothing to gain from beating AJ.
Daniels disagrees, and thinks this is the perfect time for AJ and Daniels to have one more match, to prove once and for all who the better man is.
Match #6: Bobby Roode versus James Storm for the #1 contender’s spot.
Storm punches Roode before the bell and a few more times after the bell. Storm backdrops Roode and then pounds his head repeatedly. Storm clotheslines Roode and then whips him to the ropes. Roode hits Storm with an elbow that knocks him to the floor.
Roode removes one of the turnbuckle pads while the ref is watching Storm. Storm hits Roode with a shoulder block and Roode responds with a kick. Roode hits Storm with a flying armbar and then slams Storm’s arm into the steel post.
When we return, Storm goes for a sunset flip but can’t get Roode over. Roode hits Storm with a leg drop and then a knee drop. Roode continues to work on Storm’s arm, slamming it to the mat and snapping it down over the top rope. Roode stomps on Storm and then applies a wrist lock.
Storm fights his way out, but Roode slams him arm first into the corner. Roode re applies the wrist lock but Storm is able to fight his way out. The two men exchange punches and Storm takes Roode down with a side Russian leg sweep. Roode goes after Storm’s arm again but Storm cuts him off and lands a pair of forearm shots.
Storm hits Roode with a clothesline and follows up with an inverted atomic drop. Storm hits Roode with a neckbreaker. Roode backdrops Storm to the edge of the ring, but Storm responds with an Enzuigiri. Storm climbs to the top rope but Roode cuts him off and lands a punch. Storm pushes Roode off but Roode lands a forearm shot.
Roode tries to superplex Storm off the top, but Storm hits him with a headbutt. Storm jumps over Roode and takes him off the top rope with a sunset flip into a powerbomb. Storm goes for a cover and gets only 2. Storm picks Roode back up, but Roode slips out and takes Storm down with a spinebuster.
Roode applies the crossface to Storm, but Storm is able to make it to the ropes. Roode stomps on Storm’s arm again and then twists it. Storm escapes and hits Roode with a double knee backstabber, and then immediately follows with a double knee facebreaker.
Storm gets ready to hit Roode with the superkick, but Roode pulls the ref in the way. While the ref is distracted, Roode slams Storm face first into the exposed turnbuckle that he tore off earlier in the match and rolls him up for the win. Storm used the ref as a shield, used the exposed turnbuckle as a weapon, and even pulled on the tights during the pin.
It may not be a clean win, but it’s still a win and Bobby Roode is now the new #1 contender. Storm looks devastated and Roode celebrates as Impact goes off the air.