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Impact begins with Hulk Hogan thanking Jeff Hardy for raising the bar. The Hulkster loves cliches, brother. Hogan also tells Hardy that he will either be facing Kurt Angle, Bully Ray, James Storm, or Mr Anderson. As Hardy leaves the office, we hear his inner monologue saying that they all have a weakness; he just has to find it. I don’t think I’ve ever heard another human beings inner voice before, maybe I’m psychic now.
Match #1: RVD versus Zema Ion for the X division title.
Jeremy Borash and Todd Kenely are the announce team starting the show. Taz and Tenay will be back for the second hour.
Zema tries a dropkick, but RVD sidesteps it. Zema tries a quick roll up but RVD reverses it and Zema backs away. Zema puts RVD in a headlock, RVD fights out of it. RVD hits Zema with a kick and then wraps him up in a body scissors. RVD gorilla press slams Zema and then drops him on the mat. RVD hits a standing moonsault then goes to the top rope and hits another moonsault. Zema rolls out to the floor and RVD hits him with a dropkick. Zema pulls RVD out to the floor and slams him into the security barrier.
Zema rolls RVD back in and then charges after him. RVD lands a kick, a punch, and another kick before going for a crossbody. Zerma ducks out of the way and RVD flies out to the floor. Zema flips over the top rope and lands on top of RVD on the floor. Zema rolls RVD into the ring and then snaps his head on the top rope. Zema hits RVD with a DDT and then a kick. Zema goes to the top and misses a corkscrew moonsault. RVD hits a back kick, then rolling thunder, and finally the 5 star frog splash for the win! RVD retains the X division title.
After the match, Matt Morgan lays RVD out with the Carbon Footprint. Joey Ryan grabs the X division title from RVD. Morgan says this is all Hogan’s fault. In the back, Austin Aries is laughing at the contenders that have to talk Hogan into letting them have a title shot. As the former champ, Aries automatically gets a rematch.
When we return, former tag champs Kaz and Daniels make their way to the ring. Kaz and Daniels mock Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez, the team that beat them for the titles. Kaz claims they are probably illegal immigrants, and Daniels says they should start wearing sombreros and start calling themselves “Dos Stereotypicos.” Kaz and Daniels start passing around a petition calling for them to get a championship rematch.
Kaz and Daniels are interrupted by Chavo and Hernandez. The champs chase Kaz and Daniels out of the ring and then sign their petition. Chavo says they want to help them get a rematch, so they can prove they are the best tag team in the world.
In the back, Hogan is interviewing his four contenders. Anderson gets a little mouthy about the whole process, so Hogan eliminates him. Aries immediately starts mocking Anderson. Aries tells Anderson that when he gets his title back, he’ll give Anderson a shot. Aries claims it will be sort of a handout, since Aries will beat him so easily. Aries even claims he may be a bigger asshole than Anderson. Anderson attacks Aries and beats the hell out of him. Aries is pissed off and challenges Anderson to a match later tonight.
When we return, Devon is telling his fellow Aces and Eights members that the President (not Obama, the Aces and Eights President) has ordered them all to keep their masks on at all times. Devon also says that he has arranged for some “ladies” to entertain them tonight, but first they have to take someone out. They throw a dart at a board with pictures full of wrestlers, but we don’t get to see who the dart landed on.
Match #2: TV champ Samoa Joe versus Robby T with Robby E.
Joe beat Robby E last week. The two men lock up. Joe lands a couple chops and a shoulder block that has almost no effect on big Rob. Robby hammers Joe down and hits him with a couple forearms. Joe responds with a series of chops and slaps to the head. Robby responds with a spin kick that knocks Joe down.
Robby grabs Joe by the throat but Joe punches his way out. Robby E tries to create a distraction as Joe applies the rear naked choke to Robby T. Robby fights his way out twice but Joe gets it back on each time. Robby throws himself backwards onto the mat, flattening Joe. Joe momentarily releases his grip but the re applies it for a fourth time and Robby finally taps out. Commercial
Match #4: Mr. Anderson versus Austin Aries.
The two men lock up and then exchange punches. They lock up again and then Aries retreats to the floor. Aries re renters the ring and they lock up again. Anderson lands a punch to Aries, then grounds and pounds him. Aries retreats to the floor. Aries re enters the ring and gets behind Anderson. Anderson elbows his way out and then pulls a set of brass knuckles out of his trunks. The ref sees the knucks and takes them away from Anderson.
Aries and Anderson exchange punches, with Anderson getting the better of the exchange and knocking Aries to the corner. Anderson bodyslams Aries and Aries responds with a couple punches. Aries puts Anderson in a headlock and then throws him to the floor. Aries hits Anderson with a suicide dive.
Aries has Anderson in a headlock and then hits him with a couple punches. Anderson responds with a series of punches and chops. Aries knocks Anderson down with a boot to the face. Aries hits Anderson with a knee drop. Aries lands an elbow and a series of forearms. Anderson responds with a series of strikes and clotheslines and then drops Aries with a neckbreaker. Anderson tries to get Aries up on his shoulders but Aries slides out. Anderson knocks Aries to the floor with a kick and then he hits him with a slingshot crossbody on the floor. Anderson rolls Aries into the ring and gets him up on his shoulders again.
Aries slips out again after grabbing the ref for balance. Aries also slips the brass knuckles out of the refs pocket. Anderson grabs them before Aries can use them, but the ref knocks them out of his hand. Aries hits Anderson with the brass knuckles while the ref is distracted. Aries fakes a pin attempt on himself by draping the unconscious Anderson on top of himself. Aries ‘kicks out’ and puts Anderson in the last chancery. The ref stops the match when he realizes Anderson is unconscious. The fans boo, but they (and I) would have LOVED it if it had been done by Eddie Guerrero, the greatest cheater in wrestling history.
There is a bland segment with Brooke Hogan. Yawn.
Match #5: Brooke Tessmacher versus Tara with Jesse.
The match starts with Miss Tessmacher attacking Tara before the bell and slamming her around the ring area. Tessmacher rolls Tara into the ring and beats on her some more. Jesse gets up on the ring apron to distract Tessmacher; Tara hits her in the back. Tara slams Tessmacher’s face into the mat repeatedly before stopping to kiss Jesse. Tara bodyslams Tessmacher and then goes for a slingshot somersault but misses. Tessmacher lands a chop and a pair of clotheslines. Tessmacher hits Tara with a forearm and then hits her in the face with her ass.
Then she climbs up on the top rope and sticks Tara’s face into her vagina. Not ALL THE WAY IN, that would probably not be OK for Spike TV, but she does smother her face before dropping her with a face plant. Clearly, Tessmacher has dangerous naughty bits. I’ll bet her lovers always have to tap out before finishing. Tessmacher runs to bounce off the ropes, but Jesse pulls the ropes down and Tessmacher goes sprawling out to the floor. Jesse shoves Tessmacher back in and Tara finishes her with the Widow’s peak for the win.
After the match, Brooke Hogan tells Tara and Jesse that ODB wants a fight as part of next week’s open fight night, and she wants to fight…Jesse!
Joseph Parks comes in and tells Hogan he still wants to fight someone from Aces and Eights. Hogan is reluctant because Park isn’t a wrestler, but Park produces a paper that will release Hogan and TNA from any liability. Hogan considers it.
Bully Ray walks to the ring to call out his brother Devon. Ray wants to know why Devon sided with Aces and Eights. Devon (with several Aces and Eights members) says he doesn’t owe Ray an explanation: they aren’t partners or brothers anymore. Devon explains anyway.
He claims that Hogan and TNA abandoned him, but Aces and Eights had his back. Devon also reminds Bull Ray that it was Bully that betrayed Devon two years ago. Bully says they both know why he did that: After they lost their retirement match to the Motor City Machine Guns, Devon told Ray “What are you so upset for, we’re rich, screw the fans!” Devon doesn’t try to deny it, and says screw the fans again.
Ray says that Devon never had any balls and calls him a coward. Ray also challenges Devon to a match next week on Open Fight Night.
When we return, Joey Ryan and Matt Morgan are bragging about their attack on RVD. Ryan wants to be X division champ, and Morgan just wants to make life miserable for Hogan.
Hogan, meanwhile, is talking to James Storm and Kurt Angle to determine who will face Hardy tonight. Hogan picks Angle, but he also tells Storm he has “something HUGE for him.” Storm and Hogan walk off together to see what this huge thing is Hogan is talking about. I hope it’s not another Hogan sex tape.
Match #6: Kurt Angle versus TNA champ Jeff Hardy. The two men lock up twice and separate, feeling each other out. Kurt shoulder blocks Hardy. Hardy arm drags Angle twice and keeps hold of the arm on the mat. Angel escapes and slams Hardy’s face into the corner. Angle and Hardy exchange punches; Hardy gets the edge and then dropkicks Angle into the corner. Angle lands a kick and then tries to come off the second rope. Hardy dodges Angle’s attack and then hits him with a double leg drop. Hardy hits Angle with a dropkick and then climbs to the top. Angle crotches Hardy on the top rope and then knocks him to the floor.
When we return Angle has Hardy in a headlock Jeff fights his way out and then they clothesline each other at the same time. Jeff gets to his feet first and hits a couple more clotheslines. Hardy hits Angle with a headscissors takedown and sends him flying out of the ring and into the security barrier. Hardy flies off the ring apron and clotheslines Angle on the floor. They re enter the ring and Hardy hits Angle with whisper in the wind. Hardy tries the twist of fate, but Angle blocks it and responds with three German Suplexes. When Hardy gets to his feet, he hits Twist of Fate and climbs to the top. Angle runs up the ropes after Hardy and throws him out into the middle of the ring.
Angle hits Hardy with a sweet powerbomb and then applies the ankle lock. Hardy rolls out of the ankle lock and kicks Angle to the mat. Hardy climbs to the top and tries the swanton but misses. Angle hits hardy with the Angle Slam and gets a 2 count. Hardy hits Angle with a kick and then two consecutive Twists of Fate. Hardy goes to the top and hits Angle with a swanton bomb but only gets a 2 count!! Angle bodyslams Hardy hard to the mat and Hardy rolls out to the floor. Angle tries for another Angle Slam, but Hardy rolls through and wraps Angle up for the win! Hardy retains his title.
After the match, Austin Aries cheap shots Hardy and steals one of his belts. Aries tells the unconscious Hardy that he will cash in his rematch at the Turning Point Pay Per View.
In the back, Aces and Eights reveal their victim for tonight, the man who’s picture they hit with a dart: Kurt Angle. Aces and Eights put a beating on Angle as Impact goes off the air.