Full disclosure, I’m writing this at 3am off some pina coladas. Late (in the sense of the hour) because thoughts are racing. Late (in the sense of proximity to the show) because I just do not care about it, I doubt I’m going to watch it.
There’ve been Dynamites with better cards (last January 11th – Hangman/Mox, Danielson/Takeshita, Elite/Death Triangle – tell me any of those wouldn’t be better than the majority of this show?).
But nor did I want to leave people without a preview at all.
So this will not be as detailed as usual and I’m throwing out objectivity. These are just my thoughts on the matches with predictions.
Read on MacDuff. Or whatever your name happens to be.
MJF vs Samoa Joe (AEW Title)
I’m interested in the Devil reveal in the way people are when they see a terrible accident: I hope those involved aren’t too badly hurt.
Ideally it’ll be MJF, because the reveal isn’t going to be satisfying or make sense anyway. He can go back heel and stop being a lame dork who kisses the crowd’s ass and blasts foes’ Google trends.
If Max isn’t going heel, for god’s sake get the belt off him so that the goofy crap he’s been experimenting with for the past six months is at least kept away from the title. Joe can have a nice run as a killer who reestablishes it as a serious enterprise before handing it to Swerve/Ospreay in better shape than he found it.
And unfortunately most viewers are going to spend most of this match wondering when Black Scorpion II/the leader of New Retribution comes out to interfere. So won’t be into the action or buy any finishes until that takes place.
Oh and I have to throw out the possibility that the Bucks are among the Goons.
They went away as heels, were rumored to be coming back in a heel faction and their EVP status would make easy work of explaining the otherwise convoluted audio/video hijacking. And would fit with Cole/Britt in storyline. And they were feuding with Bullet Club Gold not all that long before the attack on Jay White (yes this story’s been going that long).
Where this theory falls apart is the attack on Hangman. Unless he’s in on it too? It’d be stupid but so will every other outcome.
WINNER: Prolly MJF
Jon Moxley vs Eddie Kingston (Continental Classic Final)
This should be fantastic. Kingston’s told a brilliant story with his words and wrestling throughout the Continental Classic (he and Danielson the clear MVPs). Todd Martin called him the ‘emotional heart’ of the tournament and he’s not wrong. They took it home with stellar mic work Wednesday.
Kingston winning is predictable. But we rarely complain when the guy we like in a book or movie wins in the end. As long as the story’s well told. And it has been. And the crowd in New York will go bonkers for their guy. As he becomes the first Modern Garbled Marketing Jargon Champion.
WINNER: Eddie Kingston
Andrade El Idolo vs Miro
Does anyone understand the Miro/Perry story? He’s like a 50’s husband who wants his wife to stay home? She was briefly a seemingly manipulative bitch who was using managing others to motivate her husband, smiling broadly as he mowed down her would-be clients.
Until becoming a serious manager who puts her actual client Andrade over as the special talent he indeed is.
Could be good in the ring: Andrade’s been on-form lately and that should continue for his 2023 pay-per-view debut.
WINNER: Whoever’s contract lapses last? Probably Andrade since he’s at least had tv time and beat Danielson
Chris Jericho, Sammy Guevara, Darby Allin & Sting
vs
Big Bill, Ricky Starks, Will Hobbs & Kyle Fletcher
You do not have paintings made featuring your colleague’s infant being lovingly protected. Apparently. Especially when the infant’s father has such good friends he can turn on them and still have them help him.
And hey, there’s still time to squeeze one more turn into 2023. Do it for the Wight-ster.
WINNER: Sting’s not losing before his last match, unless the faces have a falling out leading to said last match for the tag titles
Bryan Danielson, Claudio Castagnoli, Mark Briscoe, Daniel Garcia
vs
Rush, Jay White, Brody King & Jay Lethal
Anyone familiar with drinking culture in the UK will be aware of the term ‘shit-mix’. You grab any booze you can, chuck it together and give it a stir. This is it applied to wrestling.
Hopefully someone young can at least emerge from the tournament’s fallout with a victory.
WINNER: Danielson et al
Toni Storm vs Riho (Women’s Title)
This is Riho’s first pay-per-view appearance in four years. *Whispers* So she’s not winning. Since she’ll probably leave again shortly till summer anyway.
Let’s hope Toni leaves the serving trays backstage in lieu of her working boots. If she does, this could be very good.
WINNER: Toni Storm
Abadon vs Julia Hart (TBS Title)
I have nothing to say.
WINNER: Julia Hart
Adam Copeland vs Christian Cage (No DQ, TNT Title)
These guys got me into their last clash with stellar mic work. Then someone’s mom decided the match. A lot of people seem to believe Cage has raised the prestige of his title since winning it. And I’d have agreed until WrestleDream. After which it became forgotten for two months.
The only sensible way this ends is when Mrs. Saurus gets her revenge too right? Either that or Copeland wins since otherwise he’d look a moron for arranging a no disqualification match with a guy who always cheats and has a posse.
WINNER: Adam Copeland
Keith Lee vs Swerve Strickland
When Florence dumped the Julian Calendar in favor of the Gregorian, time ‘advanced’ about two weeks. And some of the peasants revolted, asking for their fortnight back.
Seriously.
But they’ve got nothing on AEW owner Tony Khan, who seems to believe it’s December 2022. Since this is the ‘right time’ for this match to take place.
And yes there’s an argument that at least they’re doing it and finishing up the story. Alternatively, there’s one that says eating rotten food instead of binning it doesn’t actually do you any good.
This is beneath Swerve at this stage.
WINNER: Swerve Strickland
Wheeler Yuta vs Hook (FTW Title)
Back in July, Hook vs Jack Perry for this very belt merely opened Dynamite. About six weeks after Perry had been in the AEW Title mix too. This is a Rampage match for a title the company ‘don’t recognize’, except that they do. Frequently.
I also have almost no idea what this is about despite watching two of the tv shows on a weekly basis.
WINNER: Hook
If the CC Final and Devil reveal were in a solid block I’d be tempted to watch but nothing else here does a single thing for me. I hope it does for you. Honestly it’s much healthier if you enjoy the product instead of getting exasperated by it.
Have a good weekend and enjoy if you’re enjoying.
