It’s time once again to forensically analyze guys – and girls – fighting in tight shorts.
Quick reminder, there are three categories: star quality, match quality, build. For each we’ll assign a score out of 10. To get a total score with which to rank the matches.
Scores are intended to be objective. If scores are even, matches’ll then be ranked according to personal preference.
New – each feud will be assigned a rating judging whether the promotion got it ready for the big show: Polar, Premature, Peaking, Peaked, Past It
We’ll then predict the winner(s) of each contest.
Without further ado.
Chris Jericho vs Hook (FTW Title)
Star quality: 5
Jericho turns so often it’s hard to care. And people don’t. They’ve done a much better job than usual keeping Hook involved after his title match with Joe. Fans like him coming out and killing people. It remains to be seen how they like him in longer matches. Since he doesn’t wrestle any.
Match quality: 4
Speaking to AEW’s need to get their youngsters more reps. And as a guy to do a house show loop with, Jericho’d be a good choice. As a guy to have one good match with? As of late, not so much.
Taz’ seed would benefit from a New Japan stint where he’d wrestle regularly and receive promo time away from prying eyes.
Build: 1 Past It
Why oh why is this for the FTW Title?
Let’s pretend for a second it isn’t a poorly defined, wholly unnecessary addition to what’s already just a pile of belts. Did Jericho say he wanted it? Did the youngster vow to back up his words by beating the vet again and he’d even put his title on the line?
Nope. It’s just there. Which is unfortunately a good way to describe oh so many AEW championships.
And resembles the scattershot booking of this feud. Which has vacillated like a speed-riddled mouse at an ice rink – friends, frenemies, respect, enemies. Largely because the company didn’t see which way the fans were blowing.
The angle Wednesday did make Hook look strong; this storyline’s already gone too long; fans want a break from Jericho.
Overall Score: 10
This should be Hook getting a win over a name before moving on to something else. But a hallmark of Jericho’s AEW run has been dragging things past their sell-by – the Inner Circle, the Appreciation Society and several feuds.
It is possible we’re just getting started here. And that would be with Hook winning the feud but not this match.
WINNER: Hook
Thunder Rosa vs Toni Storm (Women’s Title)
Star quality: 4
Toni’s act is entertaining and popular but at a cost to everyone she faces. She’s a sheep in wolf’s clothing. Frequently leading to her babyface opponents being booed. And just overriding everything she’s involved with.
Take her opponent’s recent #1 contender clash with Mariah May:
Peeing the chair, going commando, trying to pop the announcers, not remotely a heel, not getting the match over, neither were the cameras or the announcers, it was all about her, her character and her comedy.
Leaving Rosa, already at a deficit after coming back to little fanfare and rarely appearing on Dynamite, up shit’s creek. As Toni herself might say.
It’s also debatable whether fans actually care about seeing her wrestle r/t performing whacky antics.
Match quality: 5
Neither does Storm’s character lend itself to quality matches. And Rosa hasn’t seemed quite back in ring shape since returning.
However, if the Mexican does manage to get her cardio up and Storm performs as she did against AZM last Saturday, this score could look very dumb.
Build: 1 Polar
‘Well, they want women kissing on the show,’ said Dave Meltzer recently. And it about sums this feud up.
AEW really tried with Toni and Deonna. They were on tv every week, there was a story and a reason for their mutual dislike.
None of that applies here. Despite the obvious story of Rosa fighting back from an injury which took two years of her career. And which could’ve easily been storylined by Storm into Rosa ‘ducking her’.
Instead, they zoomed through Toni breaking a champagne bottle over her challenger’s head, making Rosa look dumb in the process. So that they could use the time to imply lesbianism between Storm and May. And between May and Mina Shirakawa, whose champagne smooch got more screen time than a laid-out Rosa, despite not a single fan having any idea who Shirakawa was.
None of which could be saved by a passionate though disjointed rah rah Rosa promo last Saturday.
Overall Score: 10
They really should get the belt off Toni. Her act is easily enough that they could simply place her in a feud that isn’t about a title.
However, Rosa got the better on Wednesday and we’re close enough now to Wembley that they probably want to hang on and have Jamie Hayter end a long title reign.
Given Storm’s ppv outings are to shenanigans what a rotting corpse is to bacteria, chances are Deonna will cost Rosa the match and the gold, cementing a much-needed heel turn. And providing another opportunity for a feud between women over an actual issue. Make us dream Tony!
WINNER: Toni Storm
Kyle O’Reilly vs Roderick Strong (International Title)
Star quality: 2
The Two Man Bland between them have the character of shouting guys’ first names.
After being off tv for two years, O’Reilly hasn’t been on Dynamite or Collision in the month of April. And has been closer to Kurt Angle’s deliberately heelish babyface than anything else. Except he’s not a heel.
Relative to the months of tv sunk into their arrival, the Undisputed Kingdom are the flattest group in company history.
Match quality: 8
If there’s a good match but nobody cares, is it really a good match?
There are so many talented young wrestlers who can’t sniff this show. Including a guy who had the best AEW bout of 2024 at the last one. This seems a waste of pay-per-view time and a missed opportunity to feature guys who might one day main event shows like these.
It’s a Rampage match for the purest of fans, placed onto the biggest of stages.
Build: 2 Polar
Don’t know about you guys, if I bumped into some friends I hadn’t seen for two years beating people up in a gang, I’d have some questions.
Not Kyle O’Reilly. Mr. Gee Shucks was just so gosh darn tickled to be back that he was happy enough for his ex-pals to be devil mask-clad psychopaths. Just so long as they let him fight his own battles against some of the lowest AEW’s roster had to offer.
He didn’t care when they were destroying other people, hard to feel sympathetic when they destroy him. Dug your own grave there dude. And did nada to merit a title shot.
Overall Score: 12
Probably Strong. As applied last time, his group are being held together by decaying twigs and his title.
WINNER: Roderick Strong
Adam Copeland, Eddie Kingston & Mark Briscoe vs House of Black
Star quality: 6
Despite varying levels of stale feuds, misuse, repetition and gobbledygook, all six remain pretty popular. Copeland certainly seems to be getting stronger as he goes and feels more a part of the show than separate to it as he did when feuding with Christian.
Won’t go into a whole thing on Kingston here but my god what a decline from December to April.
Match quality: 8
A large part of what keeps the House in popularity is their in-ring. They’re not only good, they’re all different to one another and in Malakai’s case just flat out different. The crowd will care because they like all three babyfaces too.
Assuming the finish is clean and decisive – which between AEW and Malakai is certainly an assumption – this should be a nice bang, bang, bang palette cleanser amid high-stakes singles.
Build: 0 Polar
Briscoe and the House trying to outright murder one another seems a long time ago and AEW have done nothing to remind us of it.
So the real issue here seemed to be with Malakai and Copeland. Adding the others a combined effort to get guys on the card and avoid the impermeable business of convincing Mr. Black to lose wrestling matches.
Overall Score: 14
Will respected vet Copeland be the exception? Perhaps building to a dodo-rare singles scrap for Malakai at DoN or in-between?
If that is the case, the House will win with Black pinning Copeland. If not, babyfaces time.
WINNER: Adam Copeland, Eddie Kingston & Mark Briscoe
Young Bucks vs FTR (Ladder Match, Tag Titles)
Star quality: 6
Despite their fresh, entertaining characters, it still doesn’t feel like the Bucks are all that hot. Possibly because they border on cartoon-y. In FTR’s case, no-one who appears only on Collision can be. Neither side helped by either this woeful tournament, the Punk/Perry video or the ongoing de-emphasis of tag wrestling.
Which was touched on the other day.
Match quality: 8
On some ‘fool me once’ ish, they’re not getting no 10 here. Both sides have competed in some of the best matches of the last few years. But never against each other.
There’s always just a little something missing. The Bucks’ best clashes have come against their Elite buddies and the Lucha Bros. FTR’s against the likes of Jay White, who’s never been accused of too many high spots.
Nonetheless, this should still be very good. And might even benefit from fans’ expectations being lowered after they failed to have the anticipated classic last summer. Try not to die guys.
Build: 0 Polar
AEW had all this inherent value in the tag belts courtesy of Sting going out the way he did. That Darby about killed himself for. And just let it die. While outside of their original one in 2020, these four’s feuds have been the victims of Tony Khan 101 – Dude, the match’ll be sick!
Which was his approach for their clash at All In last year.
The backstage footage of which will inevitably dredge up the divisive feelings Adam Copeland maturely implored us all to move on from. Feelings which help neither team here.
Big Punk fan? Then the Bucks might be bigger heels than they were before. But the babyface in the situation isn’t FTR, he no longer works for the company.
AEW backer? Then the Bucks are absolutely right about Punk and Jack Perry really is a scapegoat. Nothing like sympathy for heels. (To be very clear, I’m speaking hypothetically, not trying to take sides.)
We’ll get to the genuine reason for it being a ladder match below. As for the storyline one? Well, it doesn’t exist.
Not even one as basic as – the Bucks are experienced in ladder matches while FTR are not, so as EVP’s they’ve demanded this stip. That took like five seconds to think of. It’s not good; it’s far from creative, but at least it’d bring heat for the heels and sympathy for the babyfaces. It’s better than nothing. But nothing we got.
Overall Score: 14
So why would a company who’ve had a minimum of six weeks to plan a match suddenly jam a ladder stip in barely a week beforehand?
Well, because they’d clearly finally decided on a finish. Someone is going to interfere. And while the Bucks generally seem okay with their ref looking like a moron; FTR are not. So they needed a match where interference was outwith the official’s control.
It’s not an original thought to project the interferer as Jack Perry. It’s also believed the Motor City Machine Guns are AEW bound so there could just be a whole mess of run-ins here. But Perry as the decisive factor makes sense if they’re going to have him return (because re-debut isn’t a word AEW!) with a bang.
WINNER: Young Bucks
Danke for reading as always. Part two tomorrow. Where the big boys play. Feel free to ‘look at the adjective(s)!’
