Total Bellas episode 1: Cena House Rules recap

Total Bellas

The first episode of Total Bellas started with a bang, or should I say a bite. More about the bite later. The episode began with Nikki and Brie giving a brief recap of the events which led to the Bella Twins and their guys, John Cena and Daniel Bryan, ending up in the same house.

They spoke briefly about Nikki’s neck surgery which led to her desire to have her extended family, including her mom, Kathy, brother JJ, and Kathy’s boyfriend, John Laurinaitis, staying in the Cena home…I mean estate.

Wow! That house is huge. Indulgence seems to almost ooze from the crack under the large front door and drip from the black chandelier. Being a girl, I must comment on Nikki’s closet, any girl would swoon over the massive walk-in with rows and rows of fancy dresses and sparkly shoes.  If I lived there I would certainly feel like a queen in a castle. But, if Nikki is queen, King Cena reigns supreme over this mansion.

The rule of King John is in evidence even before Brie and Daniel arrive at the house. As they leave Brie informs Daniel that she’s packing him a suit because John intends to have “Downtown Abbey style family dinners,” with everyone dressed in their finest clothes. I completely agree with Daniel Bryan’s response of “What, why do we have to change for dinner?” I’m sorry, John, but that’s a bit much.

When Brie, Daniel, and the rest of the Bella clan got to the Cena estate, they remembered another John Cena rule; remove your shoes before entering the house. What’s the deal with that? Is he that afraid of what people could drag in on the heels of their shoes? Shoes aren’t the only items not allowed in Cena’s house, apparently Brie and Daniel’s dog, Josie, was immediately banished to the guest house. However, I noticed that John and Nikki’s dog, Winston, was allowed in the house. Not fair at all, shame on you John!

With Josie safely secluded away far from the hallowed halls of the Cena estate, the rest of the Bella clan went down for the first fancy family dinner. Before they could enjoy the food, however, John had to lay down further ground rules for life with King Cena.

Some of John’s rules make some sense, if the gates close at a certain time, it is important that he is informed if someone is going to be late. But, some of the rules were just stupid, I mean required breakfast meetings? Is this a corporation or a family? I would feel trapped if it were me. Maybe, the Bella sisters did feel trapped, because they went to happy hour with their mom and brother.

John joined them there, but Daniel, was interestingly absent, which is probably why the subject of Brie and Daniel’s lack of offspring was  almost instantly brought up by Cena. Brie claimed that she and Daniel were not pregnant yet because, “You have to have sex to get pregnant.” Thanks for stating the obvious, Brie. Apparently, the life of a wrestler does not leave time for long, slow, tender, lovemaking, and according to Brie, Daniel, “doesn’t know what a quickie is.”

A discussion then occurred between all the Bella ladies about how often they have sex and how long it takes their men to shall we say “get happy”. I’m sorry, but am I the only one who thinks it is so weird to tell your mom, and all of America, about what you and your partner do in the bedroom? I guess so.

The next day it seemed that Brie and Daniel’s pooch, Josie, had enough of King Cena’s banishing her to the guest house. As the rest of the family lounged by the pool, Josie tried to follow John inside the house. John put out his leg to stop her and got his leg bitten for his trouble. I don’t really blame the dog, seeing as how John makes his disdain for her quite obvious. Also, Josie is used to running free with Brie and Daniel at their home in Arizona. Now, at the Cena Manor, Josie is being confined and limited. So, I was shocked when John said that Nikki should, “Call animal control to come take the dog away.” Looks like Josie will never be John Cena’s best friend.

Luckily for Josie, animal control was busy handling a large alligator. Perhaps, because of this dangerous animal, or maybe in order to give their dog a little breathing room, Brie and Daniel tried to build a dog run in the yard, but were stopped by Nikki who reminded them that it was Cena’s house and Cena’s rules. Brie was upset by this saying, “Alright Cleopatra, go stooge on us to King Tut.”

Later, Brie did in fact tell John about the dog run, and Brie and Daniel’s discomfort with Cena’s rules. At least, Cena is honest.

”My name is John and I’m extremely difficult to live with.”

We’ll see if the rest of the Bella clan can manage to do just that. See you next week WWE Universe!