Impact begins with Bobby Roode, Christopher Daniels, and Kazarian making their way to the ring. They will face AJ Styles, Jeff Hardy, and James Storm in the main event. Kazarian grabs a mic first and calls us all “Chodes” (don’t feel too bad, thickness is more important anyway.)
Roode grabs the mic next and guarantees a win this Sunday at Final Resolution against Jeff Hardy. He has apparently made some kind of investment that will ensure his victory. Daniels grabs the mic last and calls out his nemesis and opponent this Sunday, AJ Styles.
AJ comes out and claims Daniels has always been jealous of him. Daniels claims AJ has become a loser, and lists all the key matches AJ has lost this year. AJ responds by tackling Daniels. Daniels, Roode, and Kaz all beat AJ down until Storm and Hardy come out to save him.
In the back, Austin Aries says he’s mad at Bully Ray for attacking him last week and wants to fight him at Final Resolution.
Commercial
Match #1: TV champ Samoa Joe versus Devon for the title.
Joe’s TV title reign makes him a grand slam champion in TNA. (tag , X division, world, and TV titles) The two men lock up and Joe pushes Devon to the corner. Joe lands several punches; Devon responds with an eye poke. Joe hits Devon with a back elbow and then an enzuigiri.
Joe hits Devon with a forearm shot, a kick, and a knee drop. Joe charges at Devon, but Devon pulls down the top rope and Joe falls to the floor. Devon slams Joe into the steel steps and then rolls him back into the ring. The two men exchange punches and then Devon hits Joe with a back elbow.
Devon charges into Joe in the corner and then lands on him with a running splash. Devon tries a flying headbutt but misses. Devon throws a few punches but Joe ducks them and then Joe responds with a punch of his own. Joe hits Devon with a punch, an atomic drop, a kick and a backsplash. Devon charges Joe in the corner but Joe just slams him to the mat with an S.T.Joe.
Joe puts Devon in the rear naked choke and some anonymous blonde woman distracts both Joe and the ref. DOC takes advantage of the distraction and hits Joe with a hammer, allowing Devon to cover Joe and pick up the win. Devon is the new champ and he celebrates with Doc and some biker chicks.
Commercial
Al Snow and D Lo Brown are in the back talking about Al’s absence last week. Al doesn’t know what happened, but he woke up Friday morning in a hospital bed. Al thanks D Lo for filling in for him at last week’s gut check vote.
Mickie James makes her way to the ring wearing a lovely dress. Mickie thanks her friends, family, and fans for their support, and promises to win the Knockouts title from Tara this Sunday. Mickie is interrupted by Tara and her boyfriend Jesse.
Tara says she will keep her title, but she is also interrupted by the returning Velvet Sky. Velvet wishes Tara and Mickie luck, but promises she will become Knockout’s champ in 2013.
In the back, big Robbie E is having trouble with his computer. Bigger Robbie T explains that it’s a touch screen and teaches him how to use it. Kind of a useless segment, but they do look adorable together in their matching outfits. Commercial
Match #2: Robbie E and Robbie T versus tag champs Chavo and Hernandez.
Robbie E and Chavo lock up first; Chavo gets behind Robbie and takes him down with a snapmare. Chavo suplexes Robbie and tags in Hernandez. Hernandez puts Robbie in a bear hug then throws him backwards over his head. Hernandez tags in Chavo and Chavo bodyslams Robbie.
Chavo lands some more strikes before getting hit with a cheap shot from Robbie T. Robbie E tags T in and Robbie T beats Chavo down. Robbie T bodyslams Chavo and then flexes. T tags in Robbie E before dropping Chavo with a side slam. Robbie E hits Chavo with a forearm and then applies a headlock.
Robbie beats Chavo down, but Chavo retaliates with a suplex and then tags in Hernandez. Hernandez enters the ring with a flying shoulder block to Robbie. Hernandez hits Robbie with a backdrop and then a backbreaker. Hernandez clotheslines Robbie E to the floor.
Robbie T runs in but Chavo dropkicks him to the floor. Hernandez hits Robbie E with a backdrop and a Shoulder block and then tags in Chavo. Chavo hits Robbie with the frog splash for the win.
After the match, Joey Ryan comes out and says that he and Matt Morgan will beat Chavo and Hernandez for the tag titles at Final Resolution. As Joey speaks, Morgan enters the ring from behind Chavo and Hernandez and clotheslines them both.
Ryan calls his partner Matt Morgan “the Big Morgan” and himself as “the Big Organ.” I think he’s probably referring to his chode, or possibly his liver, but I think it’s most likely his chode.
In the back, Aces and Eights are celebrating Devon’s win with their newfound biker chick groupies. Devon is ready to throw a dart to find out who their next victim will be, but he’s stopped by the boss. The boss flashes a wad of cash; apparently they’ve been paid to attack someone specific.
Commercial
Match #3: Kurt Angle versus Doc.
Kurt starts the match of with a lot of punches and kicks. Kurt starts to focus on Doc’s knee, twisting it and chopping it from behind. Doc turns things around with a clothesline, and then proceeds to stomp Angle. The two men exchange strikes, and then Doc clotheslines Angle to the floor.
Doc whips Angle to the steel steps and then rolls him back in. Doc lands a punch, but Angle responds with a kick and a missile dropkick off the second rope. Angle hits Doc with three straight German Suplexes, releasing him with the third one. Angle goes for an Angle slam but it’s blocked by Doc, who follows up with a kick.
Kurt tries and Ankle lock, but Doc rolls out. Angle hits Doc with 2 more German Suplexes, but Doc grabs the rope to block the third one. As the ref calls for a rope break, Doc is able to get away with a kick to Angle’s groin. Doc hits Angle with a clothesline and then covers him for 2.
Doc tries for a choke slam but Angle blocks it. Angle hits Doc with an Angle slam but is too hurt to capitalize and Doc rolls to the floor. Doc rolls back in and hits Angle with a choke slam and gets a 2 count. Angle hits Doc with an Angle slam and then applies the ankle lock.
Aces and Eights runs in to attack Angle, but Bischoff, Briscoe, and Joe all come out to help. Angle challenges any 4 members of Aces and Eights to a match at Final Resolution against the 4 of them. (Angle, Bischoff, Brisco, and Joe)
In the office, Hulk Hogan is on the phone with someone named Joseph when he is interrupted by Bully Ray. Bully Ray wants to fight Austin Aries and he orders Hogan to give him the match. Hogan laughs at him and says no. Ray says he’s going to take over the show until Hogan gives him what he wants.
Commercial
When we return, James Storm and Jeff Hardy are talking. After they are done talking, Jeff Hardy keeps talking, in his head. We can still hear his inner monologue. I don’t know why, they must think it’s cool. I think it’s weird.
Match #4: Kenny King versus Kid Kash versus Zema Ion to determine the #1 contender for the X division title.
Thankfully, this is being decided by a match and not some painfully boring chat with Hogan and the three contenders in the back office. Hopefully they won’t pull that nonsense anymore. Kash starts off fast and hits King and Ion with strikes.
Zema dropkicks Kash to the floor and tries to roll King up. King hits Zema with a spin kick and Zema responds with an elbow. Kash yanks Zema out to the floor before being knocked back to the floor by Kenny King. Zema clothesline King but then is attacked from behind by Kash. Kash hits Zema with a series of crossfaces.
King hits Zema with a body slam and then a springboard legdrop. Zema shoulder blocks King in the corner. Zema and King exchange strikes and King rolls Zema up for a 2 count. Kash breaks it up and sends both men out to the floor. Kash hits Zema with an over the top rope hurricanrana; King springboards out of the ring onto Kash.
Zema flies over the top rope and takes out King and Kash. Zema rolls in King and climbs the top rope. King cuts Zema off and tries to set him up for something, possibly a version of a superplex. Kash re enters the ring and takes Zema and King out of the corner with the Tower of Doom.
Kash puts King in a Boston Crab and Zema breaks it up. King and Kash exchange kicks and Kash sends King flying out of the ring with a hurricanrana. Kash re enters the ring and takes Zema down with a springboard clothesline. Kash goes to the top rope and Zema pushes him off to the floor. King hits Kash with the Royal Flush (a fireman’s carry into a cutter) for the win.
Commercial
When we return, Bully Ray walks to the ring with a chair. Ray says he wants to fight Austin Aries, Austin Aries wants to fight him, and the fans want to see Bully and Austin fight, so let them fight! Ray sits in the chair and says he’s taking over the show until he gets what he wants.
Austin Aries comes out and claims Ray is only pretending he wants to fight Aries to impress his new girlfriend, Brooke Hogan. Austin Aries puts out a chair and says he’s going to sit there until he gets what he wants to.
Hogan comes out and Aries moves his chair, because he fears Hogan? Or maybe Hogan has really bad halitosis? Hogan says he isn’t going to be pushed around and orders them out of the ring before he kicks/fires their asses.
Brooke Hogan comes out to defend Bully Ray and calls him “Mark.” Hulk is horrified that his daughter is so familiar with Bully Ray that she uses his real name and angrily gives them the match they all wanted.
Commercial
Match #5: Bobby Roode, Kazarian, and Daniels versus AJ Styles, James Storm, and Jeff Hardy.
Storm and Kaz start the match off and lock up in the middle of the ring. Storm lands a punch and then takes Kaz down with a Thesz press. Storm lands a couple forearm shots and tags in Hardy. Storm and Hardy hit Kaz with a double back elbow.
Kaz tags in Daniels and Daniels slams Hardy to the corner. Hardy hits Daniels with a hurricanrana and then tags in AJ. Daniels runs away from AJ and tags in Kaz. AJ hits Jaz with a hurricanrana, a couple strikes, and then tags in Hardy. AJ goes down on all fours and Hardy springs off AJ’s back into Kaz in the corner. (they used to call that “Whisper in the Wind” in WWE when Matt and Jeff Hardy did it. The announcers at TNA called it that tonight; Dixie may be getting a call from Vince’s lawyers.)
Hardy is too close to the wrong corner and gets double teamed by Kaz and Daniels. Kaz puts Hardy in a front chancery as Hardy tries to make a tag. Hardy makes the tag, but Earl doesn’t see it and Hardy gets worked over by the heels some more. Daniels tags in Roode and Roode pummels Hardy. Roode hits Hardy with a vertical suplex and then tags in Daniels.
Daniels stomps on Hardy, slams him into the corner, and then hits him with a pair of knee lifts to the gut. Daniels tags Kaz and then picks up Hardy so Kaz can clothesline him down Kaz steps on Hardy’s throat and then kicks him to the floor. Outside the ring, Roode slams Hardy into the edge of the ring.
Hardy tries to fight back with an elbow, but Roode responds with an elbow of his own and then steps on Hardy’s chest. Roode tags in Daniels and Daniels puts Hardy in a front chancery. Daniels slams Hardy into Kaz’ boot and then tags in Roode. Roode goes to the top but Hardy cuts him off and takes him down with the Twist of Fate.
Hardy is too worn out to capitalize and Roode tags in Kaz as Hardy tags in AJ. AJ knocks down Kaz and Daniels and suplexes Kaz. Storm runs in and hits Kaz with closing time and clotheslines Daniels to the floor. Daniels slams Storm into the steel steps outside the ring; Roode and Kaz double team AJ inside the ring.
AJ simultaneously hits a DDT on Kaz and an inverted DDT on Daniels. AJ goes for a pin on Kaz but Daniels makes the save. AJ tries a springboard move, but Daniels knocks him off the ropes. Storm comes in to help AJ and throws Daniels to the ground. AJ and Storm start arguing.
Hardy tags himself in while AJ and Storm argue. Hardy hits Kaz with the twist of fate for the win!
After the match, AJ and Storm are still arguing as they make their way back to the locker room. Hardy stays in the ring to celebrate, but is attacked by several members of Aces and Eights. Aces and Eights beat Hardy down until Storm comes in to make the save.
Bobby Roode looks on and smiles at the beating Hardy just took, and then he gives them the thumbs up sign. Apparently Roode is the one that paid Aces and Eights off, and Hardy was the man he hired them to attack. Aces and Eights give Roode the thumbs up signal as Impact goes off the air.
