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My devoted readers, welcome to a WrestleMania-size edition of The Wrestling Authority.
Certainly, WrestleMania makes every wrestling fan, young or old, feel like a child again, as uncontrollable excitement takes over you, and the closer the date comes – the more wrapped with anticipation you become.
And with that said, I have to say that the wrestling world is in a sorry, sorry state.
It's not the in-ring product. You know what? It's not the product, period. The WWE had eras that were far worse creatively, and today, even the worse wrestlers are borderline tolerable. There is one thing missing, and that one thing is crucial. It's called suspense.
A show of hands, please – who here, 2 minutes after Jeff Hardy beat Triple H four months ago had any doubts that Triple H will main event WrestleMania? Who here actually believed that Chris Jericho will "save us"?
I'm not saying that predictability is inherently bad, but it's only good if it builds up to a show down that you cannot predict. Case in point – Edge VS Undertaker. Sure, most of us think that the Undertaker will win, and this match has been slowly built up from the second they were both healthy. But the WWE perfectly positioned Edge to be put in a place where somewhere, at the back of our minds, even the biggest Undertaker marks think that there's a chance that it will be Edge's streak that will continue.
Which throws me back to what I stated at the beginning – I'm sure that all matches will at least be on par with the expectations, and most will even exceed. But the success of a wrestling company is not built on a one night stand of exceptional showing, it is built on continuing drama that stems from the unpredictability of a well-written story. And sadly, this year's WrestleMania is one of the most predictable in recent memory (and my recent memory goes back 23 Wrestlemanias).
Before I go to my predictions, I will give another "thumbs up" to the monkeys in the WWE creative department – the whole "Mr Kennedy promising to win MiTB and then win the world title" angle – pure gold. It is a simple and logical way to create suspense, and an air of unpredictability. Now, assuming that MiTB will be the first match of the card, I do hope that Kennedy will win the match. Hell, I hope that either Orton or Cena win the triple threat match only to have Kennedy pull a Hulk Hogan at WM9 on them.
With all that being said and done, on to the predictions (and please, don't write me saying that I missed a match or two. I did not miss. I ignore.):
Finlay Vs JBL – I'm trying to imagine the conversation between JBL and Mr McMahon, two men who are known to be friendly, six months ago.
McMahon: Well, you know JBL, you're rich to the point where you don't need to wrestle, you are our first good heel commentator since the days the King used to berate the Hellen Hart, so… whaddaya say, wanna go and have a feud that lacks any logic with Y2J, only to be followed by a feud that represents everything that make people look down on wrestling with Finlay?
JBL: Sure boss, just let me bully some rookies in the locker room and I'm one happy Texan!
Now, granted, the in-ring work made the Y2J-JBL feud entertaining. I forgot how good Y2J an be with any given opponent, and JBL knows how to rise to the level of the guy he is wrestling. But this whole fathering angle? Idiotic to the point where anyone with 2 1/2 brain cells should lose any interest by now. That's not to say that the match won't be entertaining, it will be, but it would have worked better if it was just two tough guys wanting to kick each other's ass all over the Citrus bowl.
Prediction: JBL, but with Finlay and the midget getting revenge after the bell.
Big Show VS Floyd Mayweather – I think that the WWE missed a gold comedy opportunity by not bringing in Gary Coleman. While I might not necessarily like all WWE's policies, I do appreciate the fact that they are so politically incorrect, and Big Show challenging Mayweather to come out to the ring only to have Gary Coleman come out (A-la midget Bret Hart after the Montreal screwjob) would be hilarious. I really have nothing to say about the match itself, but I would like to point out that, if you ignore the "live" taped promos, the build up for this has been absolutely amazing.
Prediction: Mayweather in an ending similar to Piper VS Mr T
Playboy bunny cat fight – I absolutely don't care. I just want to use this space to say that while Candice Michelle is not at the levels of your Trish's and Lita's, I can't help but respect the woman – she's broken or dislocated every conceivable part of her body and she keeps coming back. As for the match, again – I don't care.
MiTB match – the most unpredictable match of the night, in my mind, as I think that Jeff Hardy was planned to win that match. Right now, my two favorites to win it are Jericho and Kennedy, and I will go with Kennedy because of the continuity factor and the suspense it will add to the rest of the show, and because I see a Taker VS Kennedy feud in the horizon.
Prediction: Mr. Kennedy.
Shawn Michaels VS Ric Flair – this is the sort of match that, when you ignore how fun it will be simply because of the settings, you can't help but think that maybe we're being thrown a curve ball and actually Flair won't lose. But then you think of it logically – can Flair go out in a more spectacular fashion than on this night? I doubt it, and so…
Prediction: Shawn Michaels
24 men battle Royal for the ECW No. 1 contender's spot – Hell, I only know around 5 guys who will be in this, so you know what? Let's go crazy.
Prediction: Ron Killings. Why not?
Edge VS Undertaker – though it will not be, this SHOULD be the last match on the card. And this will probably be the best match on the card. And most crowd pleasing. I can already imagine the near falls, and I just think of how much it would have added to it if it was JR calling it and not the human cucumber Michael Cole. Speaking of announcers – can someone re-attach The Coach's testicles? Just let him be a heel for god's sake!
Oh yeah, the match – A year later, the Undertaker will, again, begin what will hopefully be his one long title reign.
Prediction: Undertaker
Batista VS Umaga – this match should have been built on a more personal level, by having, for instance, Umaga attack Ric Flair. But even without that, for the simple fact that every time I hear William Regal say the word "Yumanga" I crack up – this is a nice addition to the card. Very hard to call, but then again – the match is as unimportant as the come.
Prediction: Batista
Triple H VS John Cena VS Bob Orton's daughter – Randy Orton is fast approaching the same status as Mark Henry and The Great Khali in my mind, meaning guys that when they're on my television I automatically lose interest. And with that said, I would love nothing more than to have Orton stumble his way to victory only to have Kennedy kick his ass. I would also enjoy seeing Cena turn full fledge heel (maybe by hitting Triple H with a sledge hammer and then smiling cockily before pinning him?), but that's because I'm a sucker for unpredictable (yet BELIEVABLE) developments. But if I had to bet, I'd say the WWE will close the show with the crowd pleasing moment of Triple H posing with the WWE title.
Prediction: Triple H
Well, that's it for my WrestleMania rant, enjoy it, and you will see a lot more of me as I recap my experience with Ric Flair and the state of TNA. Plus, I'll be home in time for WrestleMania after almost six months in Asia.
For comments, suggestions, questions, and hot Israeli girls who want to ease my return back home with some un-attached sexual experiences – syxx_ok@hotmail.com
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